Realization
by Mrs.Sophia.Belikov
Summary: Songfic and One-shot I came up with listening to music; Jace and Clary suffering because of the fact that they're siblings, they can't deal with it and doesn't fully believe it. Romance, set between CoA and CoG and rated T for swearing and... Ahem.


**Well, hello!**

**So this is my first Mortal Instruments fanfic, I'm seriously doubting if I it's in character, or ridiculously OOC, so I'd love it if you'd review to let me know.**

**I think it's really hard writing both Clary and Jace, because I don't especially Clary, and can't relate to her most of the time, so it's kinda hard to write. Jace ought to be easier, but NO.. But that's how he is, and we love that about him!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Mortal Instruments or its characters, they all belong to the lovely Cassandra Clare. I don't own the song either..**

**Oh well, enjoy!**

_This isn't helping, _Clary decided and put one of Luke's books for the bookstore on the TV-table. She'd been sitting on the couch reading, trying – unsuccessfully, needless to say - to get her mind off things. 'Things' being the Shadowhunters, 'the Shadowhunters' being Jace.

She sighed. This was the first time she'd ever felt something for a boy, something that wasn't dislike or friendship, and of course she had to feel it for Jace, the most-of-the-time asshat with the biggest ego ever seen on this earth. Jace, who had kissed her in the greenhouse. Jace, who had admitted he cared more for her than Alec, his brother. Jace, who had saved her life multiple times. Jace, who had kissed her in the Seelie Court, and looked at her in a way that broke her heart even as she remembered it now. Jace, who had turned out to be her _brother. _Jace, who wasn't going to be anything more, he'd promised, than her _brother._

And now, she was going to have get herself together around him, because the way she'd been handling these last couple of days had been horrible. She had been thinking about him constantly, wanting to talk to him, wanting him to tell her it wasn't real, that everything that had happened with Valentine was just a nightmare, and that they could be together if they wanted. _But they couldn't, _she thought, feeling her heart sink in her chest. They couldn't. And now, Jace had told her that he wasn't going to push her, wasn't going to try to change her mind, wasn't going to act like he cared about her in a way different from how a boy cares for his sister. But that's what she had wanted.

She had asked him to eat lunch with her because she was going to tell him exactly how she felt, and how much he meant to her, and that he was never going to be a brother to her. But she hadn't. And now she couldn't.

Needing to be distracted, to forget her own thoughts, she picked up her sketchpad beside her and a few pencils and went into Luke's kitchen, the kitchen she knew as well as her own, after spending so much time here, before and after finding out about demons and Shadowhunters and Downworlders and God knows what else. She shook her head. There she went again, thinking about all of it. She wasn't going to do that.

She opened the fridge and took out a coke, turned on the radio and sat by the table and started drawing.

Jace sat alone in a booth at Taki's. The same booth he'd sat in just a few days ago, with Clary on the other side of the table. When he'd told her he was just going to be her brother.

He was pretty sure his face turned gray, but he couldn't care less. He'd lied to her, he knew. He'd told her he wasn't going to be anything more than her brother, but he knew he would never be able to do that. Not when he loved her like he did.

And yes, he was pretty sure he loved her. Because the way he felt when he was around her, was a way nobody had ever or could ever make him feel. He put his head in his hands.

He'd gone here to be alone. To not have to worry about Isabelle or Alec wanting to talk to him. Because he didn't want to talk. He didn't want anyone to know what a mess he was. All because of _her._

Clary.

Clary, the girl that when he'd had known her for about a week, he'd felt more for than he had ever felt for another girl before, _hell_, more than he had ever felt for _anyone_ before. A week he'd known her. _Ridiculous_, he thought, smiling a grim smile. _It is ridiculous, that after never giving anyone anything, that he – Jace Wayland – or whatever his name was – had given so much of himself to this… Girl. After a week._

But she wasn't just a girl. She was Clary. She was _the _girl. She was the girl constantly on his mind. The girl that could make him forget everything else. The girl who had saved him from his non-feeling state. And yet, now he couldn't help but think that maybe that emotionless life had been better than this. Anything had to be better than _this._

_And what was this? _He asked himself. He wasn't sure. All he knew was that she made him feel things that no one else had ever made him feel. She made him say things no one else could. She made his heart pound in his chest when she looked at him and she made him want to hold her and kiss her until neither of them could breathe anymore. And he would never be able to. He would never kiss her again.

His fingernails dug into the inside of his hands, making angry red marks, but he couldn't care less. That was nothing, _nothing, _compared to the hours he spent in the training room, fighting, working out, practicing. Anything, to get his mind of her. And he never fully succeeded.

Everytime he heard her name, everytime he saw a girl with red hair or green eyes, everytime he went to the greenhouse, he would think of her. And each time it felt as if someone had ripped his heart out and pulled a knife through it. Because Clary, the girl that had turned his world upside-down, was his _sister._

It felt like some sort of cosmic joke **(A/N I know, sorry, I just had to put that line in, because I love it!) **, that _the _girl, that Clary, was his _sister_. The one girl that was 100% off-limits. The one girl that he was supposed to feel responsible for, protect and keep away from any boy who might have the same intentions for her that he had himself. The one girl _he would never have._

_Screw Backstreet Boys_, Clary thought, cutting off one of them singing _I Want It That Way _and switching the radio channel. It wasn't like anyone ever listened to them anymore, so why bother? She heard a new song playing, one she didn't recognize, so she figured she'd give it a shot before going to her room and getting her iPod.

Shadows fill an empty heart, as love is fading

_From all the things that we are, but are not saying_

Well, that was exactly was she needed right now. She wanted to switch channel again, not having to think about Jace and everything that he was to her. 'Are not saying'. She thought about the day at Taki's. What she was going to say, but never did.

_Can we see beyond the scars,_

_And make it to the dawn?_

Jace was looking at two vampire girls, who sat down in a booth, both with long black hair, one with straight, one curly. The girl with the curly hair was really good-looking, he noticed, as the other one had her back to him.

They started chatting, giggling and doing other things that girls did when they had lunch together. He didn't want to hear what they were saying, so he tried to tune them out, to listen to anything else. He realized the radio was on, and he heard music.

Though he'd never been interested in music of any kind, he played the piano, something that his father had taught him. Valentine. _Dear God_, Jace thought. _He was not what I wanted to think about._

To get anything on his mind that didn't remind him of Valentine, Clary or stupid vampire chatter, he focused on the lyrics to the song playing.

Change the colors of the sky, and open up to

_The ways you made me feel alive, the ways I loved you_

He felt like punching someone in the face. _Why_ did everything have to remind him of _her? _He wanted to hear something – anything – else, but there was nothing. He wanted to leave, to get out of the building and never go back again, never wanting to be reminded of her again.

But his legs refused to move, and he stayed where he was, having no choice but to listen to the rest of the song.

Through all the things that never die

_To make it through the night, love will find you_

He allowed his mind to think of her. He pictured her short body, her curly red hair, her green emerald eyes and everything about her that made her _Clary._

Everything that made him love her. 'Through all the things that never die.' _Well, _he thought, _His love for her certainly was one of them._

What about now?

_What about today?_

_What if you're making me, all that I was meant to be?_

_Well, that's some really good questions, _Clary thought.

She felt like crying. Her eyes were tearing up, and she couldn't believe that she could feel this way because of a song. A stupid, normal, song. A song like the ones Simon played, a song like the ones she had on her iPod. A song like the ones Jace sometimes played on the piano. But it wasn't.

Because this song felt like it was ripping out her heart.

Because this song had to be written for her.

_What if our love, never went away?_

_What if it's lost behind, words we could never find?_

_Baby, before it's too late_

_What about now?_

This time, Jace felt as if someone had punched _him _in the face. He was paralyzed. He didn't know what to think, what to believe, other than that this song had to be written for him. Those words felt like the verbal version of his feelings. _What about now? _Yeah, that was a great question.

He waited, horrified, of what would come next in this thing.

* * * * *The sun is breaking in your eyes, to start a new day

_This broken heart can still survive, with a touch of your grace_

_It's true_, Clary couldn't help but thinking, _it's true, every single word of it and I can't help but feel like I've lost a piece of my heart and that this song it telling me where to find it._

She knew that Jace was everything she would ever need, but she also knew that he could never be that to her.

Shadows fade into the light, I am by your side Where love will find youWhat about now?

_What about today?_

_What if you're making me, all that I was meant to be?_

_But you do_, he thought, his face looking pained. _You do make me what I am meant to be. What I could be. What I would be._ Knowing she was a part of him, knowing she held his heart in her delicate hands, he actually found himself doubting that they were related.

Because how could something that felt so right as being with her, something that made him so happy as seeing her smile, something that made him want to kiss her senseless and drive her crazy and hearing her tell him she loves him, how could that be _wrong?_ The only answer he could come up with was: It isn't.

_What if our love, never went away?_

_What if it's lost behind, words we could never find?_

_Baby, before it's too late_

_What about now?_

The tears flowed down her cheeks, dripping onto the half-finished picture of Jace she'd been drawing. Small drops of hot water landed on his light wings, on his hands, in his hair and right below his eye, making it look as if he was crying too.

_It never went away_, she knew. She smiled a little, realizing how stupid she was, sobbing over a song. But it wasn't just a song. It was _their_ song.

Now that we're here, now that we've come this far, just hold on

_There is nothing to fear, for I am right beside you, for_

_All my life, I am yours_

He knew what he had to do. He knew what he should do. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He sat absolutely still, with closed eyes, and a few tears running down his face. He couldn't bring himself to do anything. This song had him in shock. He prayed to God someone he knew wouldn't come in and see him like this, Jace Wayland; devastated.

There was only one thing, one word, one name running through his mind right now: _Clary._

What about now?

_What about today?_

_What if you're making me, all that I was meant to be?_

_What if our love, never went away?_

_What if it's lost behind, words we could never find?_

What about now?

_What about today?_

_What if you're making me, all that I was meant to be?_

_What if our love, never went away?_

_What if it's lost behind, words we could never find?_

Baby, before it's too late

_Baby, before it's too late_

_Baby, before it's too late_

_What about now?_

Clary was still sitting on the kitchen chair, the Coke forgotten, the drawing forgotten, her stupid iPod long forgotten. She was frozen, had puffy, red eyes, and there was only one thing on her mind, only one thing that mattered; Jace.

She felt lost, as if she had no idea what do to, where to go, how to get home. Only she didn't want to go home. Or well, in a way she did. She didn't want to go home as in to her apartment, she wanted to go home as in to where she belonged.

With Jace.

(5 minutes later)

Clary jumped at the sound of the doorbell. She considered not opening it, because she knew it wasn't Luke; he'd have gone straight in. It wasn't Simon; he would've too. And she hadn't ordered something, and she honestly didn't want to see anyone.

_But it might be important_, she thought. _It won't hurt to just open the door._

She got up, stepped into the hallway, unlocked the dark wooden door and opened it. It was Jace.

The only thing on his mind when the song was over, had been her name. The only thought that made sense in his head, was to go to her. He was overwhelmed by all the feelings he'd gotten all at once, and there was only one person he could show those feelings.

And now he stood at the doorstep to Lucian's – Luke – apartment, had just ringed the doorbell and he prayed to the Angel that she'd be there, that she'd open the door, and that she'd be alone.

He didn't know what he was going to say or do, but he figured he'd see soon enough. He just needed to see her. He hadn't seen her in four days, and he missed her like crazy. Crazy being the keyword, he knew, but he couldn't help him himself. Seeing her face, hearing her voice made his day.

He heard steps in the hallway, steps that wasn't Luke's, steps that wasn't the vampire's. He braced himself for seeing Clary's face as he heard the click of the door being unlocked, but it didn't help.

She was so beautiful, she took his breath away.

All they could do was stare at each other. Clary couldn't believe it was him. It was as if he'd known about the song, as if he'd read her mind and as if he'd known she needed him. She could only stare at him. He was gorgeous, as always, with golden hair that almost sparkled in the light and his shining golden eyes. He was her own beautiful angel.

Jace's eyes widened as he took in her petite form. Her eyes were big and green, and he saw that they were a little puffy still, making him think she'd been crying. He longed to hold her in his arms, kiss her hair and promise her everything was going to be okay. He knew he wouldn't be able to hold himself back, not now. But before he could embrace her, she had reached up and kissed him.

She kissed him like it was the last time she'd ever kiss him – and for all she knew it could as well be. He was obviously surprised at first at her forwardness, but he quickly kissed her back with the same force, passion, longing and love. It was the most perfect kiss, it was a perfect moment, and they were perfect together.

When she pulled back to breathe, he leaned his forehead against hers and pulled her close, his hands on her waist. There was so many things he wanted to say to her, to tell her, to explain to her. But there was one thing he needed to know.

"Did you hear the song?" he asked.

She blinked up at him, shocked by the question. What song? Then it dawned on her. The song on the radio, the one that made her cry, long for him and ripped her heart out.

"I heard the song", she told him. Having that confirmed, he kissed her again. But this kiss was sweet, light and full of love. Love.

She pulled back again, took his face in her hands and looked into his eyes. She needed to say this.

"I love you, Jace."

**Was that deep? That's at least what I tried making it..**

**So yeah, I'm not sure about the end, I'm not really that fond of it but I had a really hard time writing it! I didn't make Jace say "I love you", but that's because I think in the books it's obvious with practically everything he does that he loves her, and he keeps telling her so, but I don't think Clary's honest with him in the same way, I mean she's told him, what once that she loves him? He's said multiple times. So that's why I made only Clary say it now.**

**If it's too cheesy for some of you, I totally get it, because I wrote this to be cheesy and romantic, but I LIKE cheesy and romantic! ;D In the right amount :)**

**Thanks for reading, and please review! **


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